Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
