Small penises have feelings too.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
worst night to have a conscience
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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