dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
