Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
