We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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