6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
