my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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