i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
