He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
