I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
