How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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