Need sex. Gaining weight.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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