I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
