Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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