I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
