Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
