Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
