Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
