whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
