Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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