Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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