I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
