Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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