just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
