You made me cry and you don't even care
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There are leaves in my underwear?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
