Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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