I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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