[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
