Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
