Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
