just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
