Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
