but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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