You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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