Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
