At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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