Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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