life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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