i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
