God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
