I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
