Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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