apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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