I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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