just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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