I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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