We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
