dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
