I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
