My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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