They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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