how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
