Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dick has a subreddit
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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