i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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