if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
