bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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