im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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