I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
