Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
