dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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