You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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