Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Houston, we have a squirter
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Randomize