Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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