I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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