Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
