just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
