Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Panties = found
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
