11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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