So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
