My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
